Friday, May 14, 2010

It has been almost one year.

Shortly after my last entry in this journal, I allowed myself to be convinced that Henry could control the beast that lay within his soul. That he could suppress Hyde, finally, though by what means I was not clear. I recognized my own weakness at returning, but could no longer bear being away from our little child, my sun and my moon.

Almost as soon as I returned, perhaps even before, Hyde appeared for brief moments to remind me that he was still in control. That he held the reigns, perhaps now more than ever. It had been our most heated contest, and in the end he had won again. I was returning; a shamed mother, a resigned wife, a vanquished opponent.

Since then, I've learned to reduce the howling chaos brought by Hyde's appearances by biting my tongue. There is nothing, I've learned, that Hyde enjoys more than a partner willing to stand up, if only so he can delight in knocking them down. In the early days of my return Henry tried admirably to keep Hyde down, but eventually he succumbed. He always succumbs. Now Hyde makes his appearances more quickly when an aggrevating stimulus is present - a look, a word, a feeling - and there is more for me to not say.

This I have learned to do well in the last year, but one thing brings me back to where I began: Henry Jr. As he grows, his mind expands and his intellect balloons. He's bright, witty, and daring. And as he presents more of a challenge to his father, Hyde makes more frequent appearances. Although my good doctor husband was able to cushion Henry Jr. for a very long time, my belief is that now that the child is becoming a worthy opponent, Hyde will show up more and more often for a fight.

To complicate matters, Henry Jr. has his own difficulties. I mentioned last year that he was beginning to exhibit his own beastly tendencies, which has continued to be true. Determined to act, I pushed Jekyll and Henry Jr. into the offices of psychoanalysts so that we could discover the root and seek a cure before it was to late for my son. We learned that Henry Jr. suffers from a malady of the brain, high-functioning autism named for Dr. Asperger. We now have a name for the enemy within Henry Jr., but it is my firm belief that Mr. Hyde's appearances make everything worse by a magnitude of ten.

And so although I promised my husband, Henry Jekyll, that I was committed to keeping our family together, I feel that Mr. Hyde's continued presence in our midst is a mitigating circumstance. Without him, perhaps Henry Jr. would learn to overcome his malady, to lead a normal, healthy life. Without Hyde, perhaps we could give all of our energies and consolation to our child, teach him to control himself, and comfort him in his effort to understand this confusing world. But as it is, I have come to believe that Mr. Hyde's presence nurtures the beast within Henry Jr., and will serve to refine the darkness through repeated sparring matches and battles of will.

In short, it is my conviction that Hyde must be cast out of Henry Jekyll once and for all, or that Henry Jr. and I must escape his influence together.